No Cook Paleo Meals for Hot Days

Cooking in the summer can be the pits: the oven turns your kitchen into a sauna, the fan keeps blowing your stove top fire out, your friends with grills, or better yet, an outdoor kitchen clearly draws the line between the haves and the have-nots.  Point being, Chicago is hot and I was stewing in my own juices when I realized that I don’t HAVE to use my oven…certainly we can live on Gazpacho for the next month or so?

Well, I compiled a list of no-cook paleo meals for when an oven is out of the question:

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Faux Lox Bagels

It was unfortunate that I discovered lox bagels right before I went gluten-free. The taste form them has never went away. And, going over a bridge on the way to the store I had a vision of this recipe.  I should have looked up the traditional recipe, because I like to keep the basics, modify for paleo, and then add a twist (or zest, or spice).

FULL DISCLOSURE: I wasn’t a huge fan, and I blame the kind of store-bought cured salmon. The first helping was okay, just kind of fishy,  for salmon. But, I didn’t finish the plate, for the first time in a long time. My boyfriend, the gentleman he is, finished but agreed the last one was a bit hard to swollow. (Not to knock ’em because the salmon might taste better with a different recipe, but for the curious, I used Duck Trap brand Wild Sockeye Salmon.)

So, lesson learned, dear readers, is one of three things:

a. Use your own cured salmon or a trusted salmon brand

b. Substitute salmon with tuna

c. Bring these to a  fancy buffet or use as a garnish to a delicious meal, or any other high class situation where the people you’re serving have the social restraint to not complain.

Edit: This inspired me to create a new part of my blog, “Faleo” where I document my paleo failures.

Faux Lox Bagels

  • Ginormous sweet potato, big enough to make your “patties”
  • Sliced lox (perhaps not Duck Trap)
  • Spreadable goat cheese
  • 1 half onion, minced finely
  • 1 ripe tomato, sliced thinly
  1. Cut the sweet potato into wedges and bake at 400 for 20 minutes, or until cooked but firm
  2. Assemble, eat, enjoy, or don’t

All the Food is Poison

A long, long time ago in a health class far, far away, a teacher warned her students about the importance of eating whole foods. She explained that our growing bodies were like houses being built with what we put in our body.  Shitty materials will give you a shoddy structure, a fast food, fast-tract house built with ticky-tacky and corn syrup.

Unfortunately, I disregarded this advice and practically built my house out of poison with a steady diet of Arizona Green Tea and Dark Chocolate M&Ms. It’s my estimate that practically everything I ate between 17 and 22 contained corn syrup, soy, and a cocktail of other horrifying additives that have no nutritional value.

Then I got sick.  Gradually at first, just a small rash on my neck. And then it spread to my chest. My arms. My back. My ass. My face was ravaged with dry wrinkly skin. My stomach bloated and hurt. I itched. I lost sleep. I went to several doctors and dermatologists and allergists threatening to jump off a bridge if I didn’t find some relief. After many years and many doctors all that we’ve found is that my illness lies somewhere between severe food intolerance and lupus (which is bullshit, because, it’s never lupus, right?), and the only thing that seems to help is a whole-food, plant-based Paleo lifestyle supplemented with meat, and very limited fruit allowance.

How I feel the more I learn about the food and drug industry: